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7.04.2002
I've Decided That God Really ExistsI have decided that God really exists. I knew (kind of) that God existed before now, but not on any kind of definitive level. Let me describe myself. I am prudent, pragmatic and a cynic. Not necessarily a good combination for believing in something that supposedly can't be seen, touched or heard. If I had grown up in any other family, there is a good chance that I would have been an atheist. That's the truth of the matter. This past week, I had a close encounter with God. I went to camp last week, just like I had the previous 6 years. No big deal. Previously I had gathered the conclusion that a person was merely brainwashed there. Little sleep, weird food (okay, not so great), and people talking to you all day about God and whatnot, normally resulted in being brainwashed by the end of the week. It was customary (for me) to get going [spiritually] about Thursday or Friday. I would have some great experience. I'd bawl and promise to change my ways. . . etc. Then on Saturday we'd pack up and go on home. I'd remember that great experience for at least 76 hours. After that I'd go back to my old ways of thinking: "Yeah, and oh btw God, please forgive me for my sins. Amen," and that'd be it. It was the same, year after year. But I had an experience this year. I know it was for real, because it happened Tuesday night. I hadn't been there long enough to get brainwashed by the food, lack of sleep or the preacher (although the preacher did have a part in this experience). What made me realize that God was in fact real was a revelation that I had. It wasn't a revelation that I would have had by myself. It was an encounter; something which a pragmatic and cynic such as myself, should not have, and does not have. I encountered God. It was for real. The preacher was talking about how in order to be closer to God, we had to uncover ourselves from those things that put up a block between God and us. For most people, those things could be pride, arrogance etc. . . or you could have the usual- sex, drugs, whatever. And I realized that I wasn't being entirely truthful with myself. You know how it feels to be lying to yourself all the time? You present an outside appearance to the world for so long, that sooner or later you begin to think that that's all there is to you. When in fact you have been burying something so deep inside of you, that you have almost forgotten it was there. And I realized that my cover was my strength. It was supposed strength. Imaginary strength if you must; bravado, whatever. When I was younger- 11, 12, 13, 14, I realized that the only way to get through life was to bury your weaknesses; to forget those things that made you weak. The world pounces on people who are weak, so you must hide those weaknesses to make you less of a target. I learned this on many levels. I don't know if I was consciously doing it, but I did it regardless. My weaknesses were my emotions. Your emotions can make you stand out from the crowd. When people make fun of you, well me, I originally would cry. That makes it worse. And you can't get angry, because there are always more of them, or they are bigger than you. So you have to bottle it inside. You have to push it so far down that you get to the point where you can't really feel anything. People see you as always being calm. People never see you angry, because you just don't let that sort of thing happen. So I had buried it. And I realized in worship on Tuesday night, that I had been wielding that supposed strength as sort of a cover. A shield. You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even that, right? That shield was a cover. It put everyone at a distance, including God. You see, God created me. Who else would accept me as I am, faults and all? God loves me. You can't find a single other person that loves you all the time, regardless of all your faults and problems and fears. I also realized that I was pushing everyone away. If you never let anyone see your true center, then they can never really hurt you, right? God loves me no matter what. God created me. He loves me. Later that night, my church had devotion time. There was this one guy who prayed right before we started. He prayed for strength- for ourselves and for our friends. I said something to him right after he prayed (right out in the open). I said that perhaps we shouldn't hope for strength for ourselves, but instead for strength from God. I told the group (for the first time maybe) what I just told you up above. You know, how I buried my emotions and my weaknesses. And you know what happened? Something really awesome, that's what. There's this guy that I have never gotten along with. He just rubbed me the wrong way or something. I went into that week thinking that he hated me. I could barely stand him, and I was pretty sure that's how he felt about me. After I told the thing about burying my emotions- my weaknesses, he started to do something very strange. Something that I had never seen him do before. He started crying. Look, we're both 18 and freshly graduated from high school. He said that he knew that we had never gotten along. He said that he just used jokes as sort of a way of getting along in this world. He said that he was sorry since he was probably part of the reason that I had such trouble with my emotions, with burying things. He cried while he told me that he was sorry for making me feel the way that I had. Let me add one other thing. Like I said, we both had just graduated from high school. He was the football quarterback at our school. So now you probably have the kind of image that he projected. He's not the type that starts crying for his mistakes against other human beings. God was working in that room that night, because after he said that, other people in the room started opening up. Other people started saying sorry for things that they had done or said. It was like, "hey, if they can make up, anything can happen, right?" The feud that had gone on for about 6 years, ended after about 15 minutes of talk between me and him. So in finding God, I found myself as well. I realized that in denying a part of myself, I was denying something that God had created. In denying something that God had created (me), I was denying God. In denying God, I was denying my real self; faults and all. So I found God and myself, and all at the same time.
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