Paranoia is a Selfish Thing
In that it is something only you yourself can see. It is all about you. Plus, you cannot dare speak of it to another human being, for they will look upon it as a trivial, selfish thing. And it might be. But when you're mired in the depths of it, it's not so trivial.
I have the occasional bouts of paranoia. I used to have it more often, but apparently I had grown more sure of myself and my standing in the world. But maybe the lack of sleep or the coming changes in my life have altered that understanding of where I am. So much for the thoughts that no one is thinking about me; much less that they are laughing at me behind closed doors.
It does not matter. Especially when discussing with others your failed and hopeless perceivings of the world around you. I tried discussing my thoughts with my mother earlier this evening. She said that I must have been to blame and that it was not a very big deal anyway. She said not to worry and just to go on.
But when those people keeping looking at me and talking, I can't help but wonder what they are saying. Perhaps they really are laughing at me. Perhaps they did something to me like stick a "Kick Me" sign on my back, or something just as infantile. I do not know. But when they look at me as they have today and days past, I cannot help but wonder. What is it that they look at? And what have they done? But most of all, what have I done to deserve their piercing glares into my backside?
posted by Val at 11/27/2001 08:53:00 PM
