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11.10.2001
So, what now?Well, who am I? Where am I going? Will there be anyone there when I get there? Which roads will I take? How long will it take? Am I going to end up married with three kids? Or alone? And I repeat, who am I? What do I like? I like structured things. I like wild things. I like the indoors. I like nature. Why? Nature: It's just so free of constraints. But at the same time, everything knows its place in its ecosystem. It knows instinctively what to do. Especially plants. Trees are awesome. They're just so long lasting. They never quit it seems. They're just so strong and there. I can't explain it. They're always changing. I go outside at night, just to be there. To feel as if I am a part of it. I like how the air feels and smells. I like how I know the stars are always there. Rain or shine. I like the darkness. The feeling that no one is around, but I'm not alone. I love the wind. How it travels from place to place. It brings in new smells, new ideas, new feelings. The night gives me a chance to remove my heavy outer garments, so to speak, and really become who I am. Maybe that's why I want to go to college. To rediscover myself. To find out if the person that is here all the time, is really the person that I want to be. To learn and discover the true inner me. To feel as if I'm not just spouting other people's words or opinions. To feel like I'm voicing my own views and expressions. To really understand myself. When I go to college, I just know that good things are going to happen. New experiences, new people, new scenery, new wind, new night sky. I can't wait. I've got to get out of this place. I feel like I'm smothering. I feel like I'm falling into this deep rut of sameness that I'll never ever be able to get out of. I'm stuck. And I need to find out if the outside world sees me as those who have known me for seven years do. Maybe I'm more than they think. Maybe I'm less. Maybe the real me has nothing to do with who I am now. Maybe the real me is someone so far distant and removed from the me now, that I won't even be able to recognize myself in a few years. I sincerely hope so. Maybe the "Now Me" is okay. Maybe. For now. With the same people always around, you can't really get a good understanding of how things will work out in the future. I betcha that I won't be homesick though. I know of several people who graduated last year and who go to college at various places around here. They come home almost every weekend it feels like. I can't do that. That's not the meaning of leaving and getting out on your own. If you come back every week, you're not really cutting off completely. If I did that, I wouldn't really be discovering myself. I'd be slowly growing into myself, but then have progress halted and reversed. I can't do that. My identity is too important to me. And it scares me that I really have never known whom I am. I think that I am closer to knowing the answer than I ever have been before. It feels like it's just out of my reach. And I think that college will help me by giving me the step stool(s) that I have been lacking. I started this post originally with the idea of writing down my top ten reasons for wanting to go to college. I realized that I couldn't just do that, because there's more to it than that.
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